


prompt series

by realmsoffreedom



Series: gawsten oneshots [4]
Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, prompt series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-03-16 19:24:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13642878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: i asked for prompt requests on tumblr and got way more than i expected to so enjoy this series of short oneshots (some au some not) chronicling geoff and awsten's life and relationship and everything between





	1. "i can't sleep, can i stay here?"

**Author's Note:**

> i was originally gonna upload them all as separate works...and then my list grew to 25 prompts and i didn't want to oversaturate you guys and flood my account, so i thought this would work better.
> 
> this first one is based off the prompt: "i can't sleep, can i stay here?"

He’s just about to drift off when the doorbell rings.

It startles him; he feels the pick up in his heartbeat and the wave of ice that spreads over him like he put on a coat that was left out in the snow overnight. He pushes up onto one elbow and reaches for his phone. _2:44am_. Who the fuck is at his door at almost three in the fucking morning?

He yawns as he pulls himself out of bed, unplugging his phone and slipping it into his pocket. He grabs a shirt off the floor and tugs it on as he pads out of his bedroom and over to the front door. 

He twists the handle and pulls it open, rubbing at his eyes with his other hand. Everything feels slow. Blurry. Like he’s living life through molasses. He wants to go back to sleep.

“Awsten? What are you doing here?”

Awsten is standing on his welcome mat with a pillow in his hands. His hair is messy and his eyes are red and he’s dressed in pajamas, a pair of baggy sweatpants Geoff’s only seen him wear to bed, and one of _his_ old t-shirts. 

“I can’t sleep,” Awsten says. His voice is small. He sounds as small as he looks, shy and timid and all wrapped up into himself, a far cry from the Awsten Geoff knows, the Awsten that dominates interviews and yells at everyone on Twitter. “Can I stay here?”

“C’mere.” Geoff feels his heart swell, pulsating warmth through his entire body. Awsten is _never_ like this, pliant and vulnerable and exposed. He doesn’t admit he needs help – getting him into therapy, getting him to _acknowledge_ that he needed it, was no easy feat – and he hates being vulnerable aside from his lyrics. He doesn’t talk about it, doesn’t admit he’s struggling, doesn’t _let_ Geoff help him no matter how many kisses he presses to his temple and ‘I’m here for yous’ he whispers into his skin. 

He pulls Awsten into his chest and presses a kiss to the crown of his head. Awsten lets out the smallest, barely audible whimper against him. It’s like a gasp for breath. He feels heated air against his skin as Awsten breathes out again. “Let’s go to bed love, okay?”

He leads Awsten into his bedroom and motions to the bed. Awsten climbs in first and Geoff slides in after him. He wraps his arms around Awsten and pulls him close, burying his nose in the hair covering the back of Awsten’s neck. “You okay, baby?”

“Yeah,” Awsten’s voice sounds distant. “Sorry, I. I um. Had a nightmare…”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Geoff reaches down with his free hand and feels for one of Awsten’s. He laces their fingers together. Awsten grips his hand tightly and he winces. He kisses his hair and squeezes him tight with his other arm.

“Not really…”

Geoff doesn’t press him. He squeezes Awsten against him and drops another kiss on his head. “Go to sleep baby, okay? You’re safe here. I love you.”

…

And when he wakes the next morning, he chokes on a mouthful of Awsten’s hair and finds that somehow in the middle of the night, Awsten’s managed to turn on his other side and press his face into his chest, breathing deeply as he sleeps. 

And when he pulls away slightly to grab his phone, he sees that Awsten is smiling.


	2. "please don't walk out that door"

3\. “Please don’t walk out that door.”

“This is a joke.”

“Aws-”

“No, I’m dreaming, aren’t I? This is all some kinda fucked up nightmare?”

“Aws-”

“ _No_ , Geoff!” Awsten snaps. “You- you can’t. You can’t just drop a bomb on me like that, out of _nowhere_ \- oh my god there might actually be bombs dropped on you holy fuck I can’t do this.”

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, walking a couple steps in one direction and then turning around and going the other way. His hands are in his hair, gripping and pulling at the strands. “I can’t do this right now.” 

“Please don’t walk out that door.” There’s an ache right behind his eyes that presses on the pocket of tears lodged there, dangerously close to ripping. His heart is beating furiously, injecting more of it through his body. “Please, Aws. Come here.”

Awsten blinks at him. His eyes are shiny with tears. Geoff swallows against the lump in his throat and opens his arms. His own eyes are burning with tears. The thin membrane keeping them back is about to burst. His chest feels full and hollow at the same time.

Awsten takes a tentative step forward, and then another. Geoff stands to meet him and catches him when he crashes into his arms. He rests his chin on top of Awsten’s head and closes his eyes. The pouch of tears tears open and they stream down his cheeks as he holds Awsten tighter and tighter.

“Please don’t go.” Awsten’s voice is so small. It sounds broken. Geoff doesn’t hear his voice break or crack very often – he’s confident in a lot of things, almost never this nervous about what comes out of his mouth. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I have to.” The words hurt coming up. He can’t stop crying. “I don’t have a choice. It’s only six months, love.”

“Six months,” Awsten repeats. His voice is bitter now. “You’re leaving me for _six months_.”

“Awsten…” Geoff swallows again. His chest hurts. It feels tight, like there are bands squeezing his heart. He knew Awsten wouldn’t take it well but he didn’t imagine _this_. He didn’t imagine the unyielding guilt and painful tears and not being able to soothe Awsten’s fears because he _doesn’t_ knowknow in what state he’ll come back. “You are the love of my life. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old. You make me happier than I ever thought possible. I have to do this. Just for six months, and then I’ll be back with you, okay? And we can get married. Have kids. Do all the dumb stuff society expects us to do. Just give me these six months angel, okay? That’s all I ask.”

Awsten squirms away from him, staying in his hold, and turns around in his arms. There are tears running down his cheeks and more collecting in his eyes. 

“Okay.”

…

“I can’t even see you.”

“Aws, I love you, but I swear to god if you make another camo joke…” 

“Okay okay.” Awsten holds his hands up in surrender. He bites his lip and takes a step forward. “D’ya- d’ya have everything? I think I stuck extra toothbrushes in there, um-”

“Relax, angel.” Geoff leans in and pulls him into a hug. Awsten lets out a shaky breath against Geoff’s chest and keeps his eyes closed. He wants to immortalize this feeling. Make the pathways in his brain to engrain it in his head forever, so when the days he looks out his window and wonders if Geoff was _killed_ hit him – and he knows it’ll be almost every day – he can think back and remember that in six months all of this will be over and he’ll have his whole world back in his arms. “I’ve got everything.”

Someone shouts an order from behind them and Geoff winces. “This is it love. I have to go.”

“I love you.” He’s already crying. He can barely see Geoff through the film of tears. “Please don’t die.”

“I’ll do my best.” He can hear the tears in Geoff’s voice. “Awsten.”

Geoff steps back to cup his cheek and look him in the eye. “Six months. Just six months, and all of this will be over and I’ll be home and we can start our lives.”

“Six months,” Awsten repeats.

“Don’t kill yourself,” Geoff says firmly. He moves his hand to Awsten’s wrist and brings it up to his lips. “Promise me.”

“Don’t get killed,” Awsten responds shakily. “Promise me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...this is almost definitely going to become a full length fic. it won't be posted for a while, but y'all should get excited anyway. i've already started writing it and let's just say...it's a journey.


	3. "don't you love me?"

5\. “Don’t you love me?”

“I’m not doing it.”

“Baby-”

“I’m not.”

“Aws-”

“No!” Awsten shouts. His eyes are wild. His hair is sticking out in clumps from how hard he’s been pulling on it. There are tears on his pink cheeks and the skin below his eyes is turning red. “You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to call me baby and act like this is okay!”

Geoff closes his eyes. He inhales. Awsten goes on ranting. He stops listening. He rubs a hand over his face and stands, walking over to where Awsten is pacing right in front of the back door. He grips his wrists and forces him to stand still. Awsten glares at him, trying (and failing) to yank his arms back. “Stop fighting me.”

“Get the fuck _off_ me!” Awsten yells. “Leave me alone!”

Standing so close to Awsten allows Geoff to really get a good look at his face. Everything he was seeing, the messy hair and wild eyes and swollen skin, is much more prominent up close. There are dark purple bruises under both his eyes because he’s apparently forgotten what sleep is. His beard is growing out because he hasn’t shaved in over a week. “Stop,” he repeats, tightening his hold on Awsten’s wrists. “Listen to me.”

Awsten pointedly looks away. Geoff bites back a reaction. There are days he wishes he wasn’t dating the most stubborn human being to walk the face of this Earth, and today is high on the list. “I want you to get better, love. I want you to feel okay again. This is the first step. I’m doing it because I love you, not because I want to hurt you. Seeing you hurt hurts me. So please, can you think about it? Just consider it. For me.”

“I don’t live my life for you.”

Geoff squeezes his eyes shut and lets go of Awsten’s wrists to pinch the bridge of his nose. It’s taking every ounce of resolve he has not to yell at Awsten. Awsten needs to calm down and he won’t if someone starts yelling back at him, but he’s making it so hard to resist. “Please, Aws. Think for a second. Why would I wanna hurt you? I only wanna see you happy baby, that’s all I’ll _ever_ want.”

Awsten’s face changes. Geoff watches the anger dissolve, run down his cheeks like a melted mask. His gaze falls to the ground. Geoff bites his lip. Did he finally strike a chord? Is this progress? Will Awsten actually listen to him for once?

They stand in silence for a good five minutes. Geoff waits for Awsten to say something, anything, but he just keeps staring at the ground, unmoving. Geoff’s heart is starting to beat faster. “Aws?”

“Don’t you love me?” Awsten looks back up at him. His eyes are teary and his cheeks are redder than ever, shiny with tear tracks. His lip is wobbling dangerously. 

Geoff swallows. His heart is racing. His stomach is churning. His head is pulsing rapidly, pain circulating to every part of his body. It’s like a body of water enveloping every dry piece of land. Nowhere is safe. “Awsten…”

“Please don’t make me do this Gee please I’ll do anything else whatever you want just please don’t make me do this.” Awsten’s words tumble out in a rush. He barely hears all of them. He’s rambling, bordering on incoherent, hands raised in a pleading gesture. 

“Awsten Constantine Knight,” Geoff says. He takes a step forward and rests his hands on Awsten’s hips, pulling him in close so he can look him in the eye. “I love you. With everything in my heart, I love you. Sometimes it scares me just how much I love you because I didn’t think it was possible for people to love this hard. But then I look at you and I think about how lucky I am because _anyone_ could love you like this and you picked me and I still don’t get why.” He takes a breath. “This…getting you help…it’s not because I want to punish you or think you’re damaged or am gonna leave if you don’t do it. And it’s _definitely_ not because I don’t love you because I will love you just as hard even if you don’t go.” He sighs. “Aws, I want you to go to therapy _because_ I love you, because you deserve to be happy and not hurt so bad all the time and I hate seeing the person I love, more than anything in this world, be so sad and hate himself so much.”

Awsten doesn’t reply.

…

“Fuck.”

“I’m not ready.”

“Can we go back home?”

“We can do this tomorrow.”

“I’ll be ready then.”

“I can’t- I don’t think I can do this, Gee.”

Geoff takes one hand off the steering wheel and reaches for one of Awsten’s. It’s shaking, just like the rest of him. He winces as he brings it to his lips, swiveling the wheel all the way to the right and putting the car into park once he pulls into a space. He unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to face Awsten with a smile, holding his hand in both of his.

“It’s gonna be fine, okay?” He says. “You’re gonna be fine, I promise. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t think it would help you, angel.”

“I’m scared.” Awsten’s voice is so small.

“I know,” Geoff replies. He intertwines their fingers and squeezes Awsten’s hand. “And that’s okay. But I promise you’ll be okay. And you know me. I don’t break my promises.”

“Will you come in with me?”

“I’ll be there every step of the way love,” Geoff tells him. “Maybe not in the room with her because then you won’t say what’s really on your mind and I want this to be good for you. I want this to help. You deserve that. You deserve happiness, angel. You have my love and all the happiness I can give you but you deserve happiness from you, too. And this is how you’ll get it.”

“I love you,” Awsten chokes out. Geoff can hear the tears in his voice. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it,” Geoff mutters. He leans over the center console and kisses him. “I love you too. And you’re gonna be okay.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”


	4. "you meant too much to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep forgetting to post these on here whoops

9\. “You meant too much to me.”

“Hey, where’s Knight?”

“He’s not here today.”

“Really?”

“Maybe he finally killed himself.”

“If fuckin’ only.”

“What?”

“Wigington wouldn’t be here if the twink shot himself.”

Geoff grits his teeth. He digs his fingernails into his palms, further and further until the skin starts to break. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe, tries to remember _they just wanna reaction, Geoff. Don’t give them one. I don’t care what they say about me. About us. We’re beautiful and their garbage opinions don’t change that_. 

“He’d probably kill himself too.”

“The Romeo and Juliet story no one gives a shit about.”

He blinks. He feels hot. It feels like everything is red, wherever he looks, whatever he touches, it all feels red hot it’s everywhere it’s suffocating him hot and red hot and red hot and red he can’t breathe. 

No one talks about Awsten like that no one talks about his life his love his sun and stars his entire _world_ like that no one talks about him like that noonenoonenoone.

He doesn’t register what happens after that. It’s like he’s in a trance. It doesn’t feel real. 

He doesn’t remember standing up and walking over to them he doesn’t remember anything except the yelling and the crack of his knuckles and the pain the _oh my god what did you just do you’re so stupid what the fuck is wrong with you what is Awsten gonna say oh my god._

 _What is Awsten gonna say_.

…

“What the _hell_ did you _do_?”

Geoff lifts his head with a wince. He brings his bandaged hand to his chest and pulls his lip in with his teeth. Awsten’s yelling could be heard from down the hall, _where the fuck is my boyfriend I don’t care about your shitty ass rules take me to him I need to see him right fucking now I’m fucking serious where is he I need to see him_ , raspy and hoarse. He brings his shoulders closer into his body and drops his gaze to the floor. Awsten stayed home because he was sick, to avoid stress. This is exactly what he doesn’t need right now. 

Awsten’s cheeks are pink and the skin around his nose is red. His hair is messy and he’s wearing his glasses. Even so, Geoff can see that his eyes are bloodshot and inked with purple. 

Awsten takes a few steps forward until he’s standing directly in front of him. He inches even closer, letting his hip brush against Geoff’s knee. “Can- Can I?”

Geoff swallows and stretches out his hand. His teeth sink further into his lip as Awsten turns his hand over in both of his. He doesn’t speak for a while. And when he finally does, the “why?” is barely audible.

“They were just.” He pauses. Tears are beginning to form a shield over his eyes. It’s like droplets on a penny, how many will his eyes hold before the dam bursts and he’s just openly sobbing. “The things they were sayin’ about you,” he says thickly. He tugs his arm back and reaches for Awsten’s hands. “I couldn’t- couldn’t let them get away with that. You meant too much to me.”

“I don’t care what they were saying about me.” Awsten’s voice sounds firm with a hint of softness, gentle, but still trying to make a point. “I care about you, Geoff. And you didn’t have to break your knuckle over people who don’t mean shit.”

“I can’t.” That’s the breaking point. Tears start to pour down his cheeks, dripping down his chin and clinging to his neck. He pulls his hands away from Awsten and uses his good one to cover his face. The skin gets quickly saturated with liquid and starts to slip off. “I-I-”

“Breathe.” Awsten’s voice sounds different. The slight husk is foreign. Geoff feels the exam bed give underneath him as Awsten climbs on. He leans into the arm Awsten wraps around his shoulders and presses into his side, pillowing his head on Awsten’s shoulder with his eyes squeezed shut. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

“God, I just.” He rubs at his eyes helplessly. He turns to look at Awsten and reaches out with a clammy hand to cup his cheek. “You’re the love of my life, Aws. You’re my world. My other half. And when someone- when they say those things they just.” He swallows again. The lump in his throat is throbbing. “It would’ve hurt less if they’d said them about me.”

“I love you,” Awsten says. “And I know you always wanna protect me, but…people are shitty, Gee. The world is shitty. It sucks. You can’t protect me from everything and that’s okay. You don’t have to.” Geoff watches as he lifts his bandaged hand again and brings it to his lips. “One day we’ll be outta here livin’ our dreams and they’ll be working at gas stations and hatin’ their lives. We’ll come back for our reunion and laugh so hard. But we gotta make it outta here first.” He sighs. “You can’t hit every asshole that says something mean about me, Geoff.”

“I know,” Geoff mumbles. “But I wish I could. I’d do more than hit them.”

“You have a broken knuckle and a sprained thumb and you’d do this _again_?”

Geoff slips out from under Awsten’s arm and wraps his own arm around Awsten’s shoulders, and pulls him into his chest. “For you, I’d do it a thousand times. And then some.” 

“I love you,” Awsten murmurs. He lifts his head and Geoff leans in to kiss him. Awsten breaks the kiss after only a couple seconds, head flopping back down against Geoff’s shoulder. Geoff brushes his lips against Awsten’s forehead and winces. “You still have a fever, love.”

“I feel like death,” Awsten whines. “I take one day off and you get yourself in the hospital. Figures.”

“Take a nap, angel.” Geoff kisses his hair and tightens his arms around his shoulders. “I’ll wake you when I get my discharge papers.”

“Better not wake up to ‘nother call ‘bout you bein’ in the hospital.” Awsten’s words are slurring together. He’s already starting to fall asleep. Geoff smiles and adjusts his body, pulling him onto his lap so Awsten can pillow his head on his chest.

The pain in his hand has only increased with the moving around and constant contact, and it’s going to be hell for the next few weeks, but this moment, holding his entire world in his arms…

This makes it worth it.


	5. "i've had enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most fluff i have ever written enjoy

98\. “I’ve had enough.”

There are some moments in life where he stops, takes a step back, examines what he’s doing in singular second like he’s an audience member watching the show. It’s an out of body experience. He’s looking into his life and watching himself live it but he’s also the one living it it’s a blurry fuzzy line it’s confusing it freaks him out he doesn’t do it often.

He’s having one of those moments right now, as he empties their last bag of dog food into the bowl on the counter to the serene ambiance of Cooper barking loudly, stretching onto his hind legs and trying to grab at his dinner.

He hears the front door start to creak open and smiles, shaking out the last bit of dog food as the door opens and closes. Awsten’s already laughing. There are a series of excited barks – Ash, Ben, Donald – from the living room, significantly increasing in volume along with the footsteps as he enters the kitchen. Cooper gives another loud bark and abandons Geoff to jump up at Awsten, pawing at his chest and nosing up into his neck.

Geoff turns around and leans against the counter, resting his elbows and watching Cooper lick all over Awsten’s face. “Ew, Coops get down!” He says it in between giggles, as Cooper rests his paws on his shoulders. Awsten wraps his arms around the Saint Bernard and buries his nose in his fur.

“Coops, c’mere, dinner!” Geoff shakes his bowl a few times and then sets it on the ground next to the counter. “Shit boy don’t-” He watches him push off Awsten’s chest in his haste to get to the food bowl with a wince, lip pulled in between his teeth. “Love, you okay?” He steps forward to stand in front of Awsten and cups his cheek. Awsten puckers his lips for a kiss and Geoff obliges, pressing their lips together.

“How’re you?” Geoff asks, brushing some of Awsten’s hair from his forehead and dropping a kiss there. “Missed ya today.”

Awsten smiles, that tiny smile he does when he’s complimented, the manifestation of the warmth and love exploding in his heart. Geoff loves complimenting him because you can just see Awsten light up. He glows so brilliantly, pink-cheeked and grinning, unable to hide the pure joy he feels from just a few sweet words. “Good. Really good. M’sorry I was gone so long. Jawn dragged me to the mall and we kinda lost track of time.”

“Did you eat?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you just wanna go to bed then? Netflix and an early night, I just wanna hold you.”

Twenty minutes later, with Awsten lying against his chest, head tucked under his chin, hands intertwined, Geoff’s never been surer of his choices. He breathes in, Awsten’s hair tickling his nose. “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Awsten replies. “Hey, Gee…Jawn and I were talkin’ today and I wanted ta ask you somethin’…”

“Hm?” Geoff shifts his free arm to wrap around Awsten’s stomach and presses a kiss to the back of his neck.

“We were walkin’ around after the mall and we passed this adoption shelter and Jawn wanted ta take a look and I couldn’t just not go, yknow? So I did and oh my god Geoff. There was this baby Corgi puppy and she was so-”

“No.”

“Gee-”

Geoff tightens his hold on Awsten and kisses his hair again. Awsten’s love for dogs is evident and all-encompassing. He’s always had a soft spot for animals, growing up with a cat and two dogs. Geoff knew that moving in with him would almost guarantee animals and he was okay with it.

In the beginning.

But now they have four dogs and Awsten sounds dangerously close to asking for a fifth and at some point this has to stop.

Taking care of animals is a lot of work, especially when you have a rowdy saint bernard and a husky that wants to go outside and run all the time. When they’re not home he’s stressing about the dogs and whether they’re okay but more importantly whether they’ve torn up the house in boredom or gotten into fights with each other. They’re like children, a constant worry at the back of his mind, and he doesn’t need another one to make the list even longer.

“I’ve had enough, Aws. They’re so much work and I worry about them all the time and I don’t need another one to worry about.”

“Babe please, just one more dog.” Awsten’s voice is higher. He reminds Geoff of a little kid, begging desperately for an ice cream to an obstinate parent who won’t relent.

“We already have _four_.” Geoff sighs and brushes his fingers through Awsten’s hair. “I know you love them. I do too. But aren’t the four we have enough? We don’t need another.”

“Come with me tomorrow,” Awsten says after a few moments of silence. “To the shelter. Come see for yourself. And then if you say no we won’t do it. But at least meet him before you shoot him down.”

“I’m not-”

“Meet him.”

…

Awsten is right.

The puppy is sitting in Geoff’s lap and nuzzling into his neck and Awsten is so unbelievably right.

Of course he is. He’s not wrong about most things and dogs are not about to make the very short list.

“Are we seriously gonna do this?” He asks, looking up with his hands still tangled in the Corgi’s fur. Awsten is talking animatedly with one of the employees, nodding to what she says about caring for the new puppy. His eyes are shining.

It warms Geoff’s heart. His eyes lit up when they walked in here and they’ve been gleaming ever since. This is his happy place and Geoff vowed to do anything he could to make Awsten happy when they got engaged.

Even if it means getting a fifth dog.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you can walk out of here and leave him,” Awsten says. “You can’t. We’re keeping him. He’s ours. We’re not leaving this place without him.”

And so they sign the paperwork and get all the necessary supplies to (once again) have a new puppy in their house, and wrap the tiny baby in a blanket before they put him in his cage because _it’s freezing out, Geoff! I don’t want him to catch a cold!_ and put him in the car _he’s sitting on my fuckin’ lap. I don’t give a shit._ and make the short drive home.

“You should name him. After all, I basically forced you ta get him,” Awsten grazes his hands through the puppy’s fur and looks over at Geoff.

Geoff takes one hand off the wheel to add his hand to Awsten’s. “You didn’t force me. Trust me, we wouldn’t have him if I didn’t want him.” He glances at the dog. He’s tiny. Tan and white fur. He won’t get overly huge when he’s an adult. He’s smart, too. Nuzzling up against Awsten, looking around as they drive through the busy city streets. Observant.

“How about…Einstein?” He suggests, running a hand down the puppy’s back. “He looks like an Einstein.”

“Einstein,” Awsten repeats. He says it a few more times, looking at the dog and then at Geoff. “I love it. And I love you. Thanks for this.

“I love you too,” Geoff says. “Even if you forget about me with all these damn dogs.”


	6. "i fell in love with you, not them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a few of these stockpiled bc i always forget to post on here whoops
> 
> trigger warnings - anxiety and panic attacks

99\. “I fell in love with you, not them.”

He doesn’t know why he’s surprised.

He knew this would happen.

He knew it would end like this.

From the moment Geoff brought the idea up, pulled him close and kissed his neck so soft – how could he resist anything after that honestly it was like he was putty in Geoff’s hands – something felt like it was twisting in his gut. Geoff poked a tiny hole of worry in his heart, and as days passed it got bigger, a cut left uncovered that eventually got bigger and subsequently infected because nothing was done about it. He shoved the worry into another little box and lodged it deep into his chest, nestled it among the furthest hollow _.this is important to Geoff and you’re not going to ruin it with your shitty anxiety shut the fuck up this isn’t about you it’s about Geoff_.

And he tried to keep it that way. He bit his lip and held his tongue and shot up in pants and heaves, choked on air and tried not to vomit. He looked at Geoff, at the content smile on his face, at his steady rising and falling chest, dug his fingernails into his palms, felt the skin break, tried to inhale.

He tried to breathe but he couldn’t breathe it wouldn’t come the breath was too much too fast too heavy it all felt so heavy Geoff didn’t need this he didn’t he needed sleep he was finally getting sleep he wouldn’t wake him he wouldn’t he wouldn’t he wouldn’t.

And he didn’t. He pressed a kiss to Geoff’s forehead and crawled out of bed and into the bathroom where he sat, on the floor, head against the wall, knees pulled to his chest, arms crossed over them, trying to swallow the tears and pause the panic and contain the explosion before it happened.

He did it for three nights straight.

He doesn’t think Geoff realizes the true extent of his anxiety _of course he doesn’t you useless piece of shit no one knows how bad it is except you because you overreact and overanalyze and turn every situation into a fucking nightmare for yourself. Don’t fucking blame this on him it’s all your fault_. 

“Shut up.” The words hurt coming up. “I fucking know, okay?”

Parents, people don’t usually like him. The purple hair is an immediate turn off. He tried to make up for it with manners and charm and articulacy but he doesn’t have articulacy he has anxiety it’s hard to be articulate when you’re stuttering every third word and shaking too hard to hold a knife and letting a string of curse words slip _right as Geoff’s mother enters the room_.

He’ll never forget the look on her face.

Disappointment. Disapproval. He never wants a tattoo but this one was involuntary. Stamped across his brain, etched into his skin, branded. Permanent. Forever. The scraping of chairs. Geoff running. Following him. Losing him. Running until his legs felt like jelly and his stomach was in his throat. 

And then he stopped.

What was the point why did it matter Geoff’s gone he’s done he’s lost him he’s gone. He can’t ask Geoff to choose between him and his family that’s impossible that’s not fair his relationship just ended he just lost the best thing that could’ve ever happened to him. 

“You’re a fucking _monster_ ,” he growls. There’s cotton in his throat. Tears are running down his cheeks. He’s felt the bands around his chest since Geoff told him they were coming here, tightening and loosening as the days went on. They’re tighter than they’ve ever been everything’s tight the world is spinning it’s getting smaller he feels it getting smaller why is everything so small whywhywhy.

“Aws? Awsten, holy shit!” 

He knows that voice. His vision is blurry and sparks of pain are sent through his head every time he moves it but he knows that voice. “G-Gee c-can’t,” is all he’s able to gasp out, pressing his palm against his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut. Everything’s moving he feels like his stomach is coming up his throat he can’t see straight he’s gonna die.<

A hand covers his own. He feels another on his back. “Breathe. With me Aws, okay? In…” Geoff pauses, exaggerating his exhale. “And out. In…and out. That’s it. You’re doing so well. Just focus on that, okay?”<

He tries to copy Geoff. He forces air in even though it hurts and every time he breathes out the bands start to loosen a little. Breath by breath, minute by minute, his vision starts to clear and his heart starts to slow. His hands are still shaking. 

“You okay?” Geoff asks. He’s still rubbing circles into his back. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier.” 

“I…sorry…” He shakes his head and turns his gaze to his lap. He could sleep for a week. His body feels so weighted. The molasses is thick. He wants to go to sleep. 

“Come here.” Geoff wraps an arm around his back and pulls him into his side. He swallows. The lump in his throat is only getting bigger. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m so sorry.” He chokes on the words and more tears burn at the corners of his eyes. “I didn’t- I tried so hard- I wanted them to like me…” 

“Hey, shhh.” Geoff squeezes his shoulders. “Breathe. It’s okay. I know.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing.” Geoff cups his chin. He stares up at him, blinking rapidly. The tears are rolling down his face now, dripping down his cheeks and clinging to his neck. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault.” 

“But they didn’t-” 

“Not because of you.” Geoff’s voice sounds harder. Angrier. “Because of their shitty beliefs. Because they can’t pull their heads out of their asses long enough to realize that I’m _happy_. That’s not your fault. I just.” He cuts himself off. His words sound clipped. “I’m so sorry they’re my family. I’m sorry you had to deal with them. I’m sorry they’re gonna be your in-laws some day. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

“Why?” He lifts his head off Geoff’s shoulder to look at him. 

“Why am I sorry?” Geoff asks. “Because they’re my family and as long as you’re with me, you’re stuck with them. You don’t deserve that.” 

“Geoff,” he says. “It’s okay.” 

"No, it’s not.” 

“I fell in love with you,” he replies. “Not them.” 

“Aws, I-” 

“I’m probably gonna have a panic attack every time we come here and I might not ever wanna be alone with them, but I’ll do it,” he continues. “I’ll come with you. They’re your parents, Geoff. You should have a relationship with them. I don’t want you to havta choose.” 

“I already did,” Geoff mutters. “It’s you, Aws. It’s always been you.” 

“Geoff…” He didn’t want this he’s not worth that much Geoff shouldn’t give up his relationship with his parents that’s not right nonono. 

“I’ve never seen you have a panic attack this bad,” Geoff says. “And it was because of them. Because they made you feel so anxious, not just today, all week-” 

“Wait, you knew?” _Shitshitshit_. 

“I kept wakin’ up cold.” Geoff shoots him a wistful smile. “I didn’t wanna say anything because I knew you needed space. But now…you knew it would be bad and you still came. For me. This is the least I can do.” 

“Give up your relationship with your parents? Gee, I-” 

“If they want a relationship with me they’ll learn to respect my fiancé.” He feels Geoff’s lips against the back of his head. “I love you. You’re the most important person in my life. If they can’t accept that it’s their loss. But I need you to breathe, okay? I’m so sorry I made this week so bad for you.” 

“Not…” He trails off, head flopping back to Geoff’s shoulder. “Not your fault. Anxiety.” 

“Breathe,” Geoff reminds. “Do you wanna go home?” 

He’s not sure he can stand up just yet. Everything feels shaky. The world isn’t blurry but the edges are fuzzy and there’s black infringing on the ends. “Can we just…stay here for a while? The sunset is really pretty.” 

“Of course, Aws.” He feels Geoff’s hand again, on the back of his neck this time. He turns his head to meet Geoff’s lips in a kiss, and then settles against him, pillowing his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes. 

They’re gonna be okay. 


	7. "i won't let anyone hurt you, you're safe with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings - anxiety/panic attacks
> 
> welcome to quite possibly the best thing i've ever written

13\. “I won’t let anyone hurt you, you’re safe with me.”

They’ve stopped talking about it.

He finds himself at Geoff’s apartment every night, so often that Geoff clears out a drawer for him to stash some sweats in _my pants are so big on you, love. I want you to be comfortable when you sleep_ and doesn’t question it. If he has a problem with it, he doesn’t voice it. Geoff crawls into bed every night and pulls him against him, buries his face in the back of his neck and wraps his arms around his stomach, squeezes him close and kisses right against the shell of his ear, and he sleeps.

He sleeps and it feels like a breath of fresh air, like new life was breathed into him every morning when he wakes. He sleeps and a darkness he feared for so long slowly starts to dissolve from disconcerting to desirable. He sleeps and the snarling demons go quiet, retract their claws and lower their hackles and fold themselves back into the ground where they came from.

He sleeps.

And it is warm and tight and safe and he feels for the first time like he can extend himself, cracked and all, because Geoff is right there to breathe encouragement against his skin, to hold him together when he’s so close to falling apart. 

And some nights he does. Some nights he feels them crawling all over him, ripping at his skin, stinging his eyes, reaching inside his chest and tearing his heart out. Some nights it feels like his skin is vibrating, like the bugs underneath been roused by the force of them and are out for blood, like the demons in his head and the critters in his body are fighting a war inside of him and he’s merely on the sidelines, trying to calm and referee and _stop_ , but he never can.

And those are the nights he blinks and pushes against Geoff’s arm and feels the cold dripping down his face like someone poured ice water over his head. Geoff sleeps and he wakes, heart racing, hands shaking, _it was a dream everything’s fine you’re fine itwasadreamitwasadreamitwasadream_.

He squirms in Geoff’s grip so he can turn onto his other side and bury his face in Geoff’s chest and let out that heaving breath, the one laced with fresh tears and punctuated by sobs. Sometimes it wakes Geoff up and other times it doesn’t and he’s okay either way, okay to intoxicate himself on Geoff’s scent and feel his heartbeat and remind himself _it’s okay you have Geoff he’s here it’s okay_.

And some nights it works. 

But there are others where they’re chasing him, following, running, _sprinting_ , to catch him, leaping onto his back and digging their talons into his shoulders, bypassing every layer of skin until they hit bone. 

And he screams.

He shoots up, hand on his heart. 

His vision is blurry and the room is spinning he can’t see anything it’s all mixing together he doesn’t have his glasses but he should be able to see faint outlines of everything and he can’t hecan’thecan’thefuckingcan’t.

His heart is going so fast he’s gonna die it’s gonna stop it’s too fast everything’s too fast it’s all spinning it’s so fast he can’t breathe _nonono leave me alone get away from me stay back nonono_. 

“Hey Aws, love, sweetheart, hey. It’s okay. You’re okay. It was just a dream love, everything’s fine. We’re gonna take some deep breaths, okay? Watch me.” Geoff’s voice sounds distant. It’s like he’s saying the words from the apartment across the hall. His head is spinning the room is moving he can’t stop it it won’t stop why won’t it stop.

“C-Can’t,” he forces out. His throat feels like it’s closing up everything is tight it’s all closing he’s gonna suffocate he can’t breathe fuckfuckfuck.

“Yes you can.” He feels a hand on his back. He blinks rapidly, tries to focus. The panic is starting to die down slightly, the bands around his chest are starting to loosen, but his heart is still racing he still can’t see straight he still can’t breathe. “In.” He moves his gaze over to Geoff, who’s making a big show of exaggerating the movement of his chest. “And out. Copy me.”

He tries. He forces himself to inhale and coughs violently at first, having sucked air in too quickly. Geoff keeps up his show and he follows, albeit shakier, but then it’s ten minutes later and his heart is still racing but it doesn’t feel like he’s on the worst roller coaster in the world anymore. 

“There you go,” Geoff says. A pair of lips land on his forehead, soft and slightly warm. “You okay?”

He ducks his head to stare at the mess of blankets. There’s no way either of them is getting back to sleep anytime soon. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“Woke you up.”

Geoff doesn’t respond for a few moments. He pulls his teeth in with his lip. He knew he was an inconvenience but he didn’t think Geoff _agreed_ with him fuck what if he says he can’t sleep over anymore what if he kicks him out he can’t sleep without him he doesn’t know how to do it he needs Geoff he _needs_ him.

And then he feels an arm wrap around his chest from behind and pull him backward. He lands against Geoff’s chest and slumps into him, letting his head fall back against Geoff’s shoulder and closing his eyes. “M’sorry.”

“Stop it,” Geoff repeats. “I told you I didn’t mind, Aws. I want to help you. I’m glad I can be here when you’re not okay.”

“M’never okay.”

“That’s okay,” Geoff promises. Another kiss to his head. Higher this time, buried his hair. Geoff’s fingers follow it, starting at the base of his neck and rubbing at his scalp gently as they trail upward. He leans into the touch, bringing one arm around to wrap around Geoff’s waist. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He swallows, lifts his head and turns to meet Geoff’s eyes. He owes Geoff an explanation. He deserves to know what the hell he was woken up at half two in the morning for. 

There’s steel wool in his mouth when he speaks next, “they were chasing me. Gonna kill me. It-” Another swallow. “Hurt so bad I-”

“It’s okay.” Geoff cuts him off gently. He turns his entire body, scooting up and onto Geoff’s lap so he can hide his face in the crook of his neck. The tears come before he even registers he has them, a sob tearing out of his raw throat. “It’s gonna be okay love. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe with me.”

“I hate this,” he chokes out. “I just wanna sleep.”

Geoff rubs his back and drops another kiss in his hair. “We’ll figure this out baby, I promise. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Don’t leave me,” he cries. “Please, I know this is a lot but I don’t have anyone else.”

“Awsten.” Geoff pushes him back slightly. He bites his lip again, looking into Geoff’s eyes. Geoff reaches forward and brushes tears off his cheeks with his thumbs. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? You got me. For good. I am _never_ leaving you.”

“I love you.” He swallows again and repositions his head on Geoff’s shoulder. 

“I love you too,” Geoff murmurs. “What can I do, sunshine? How can I help? I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you cry.”

“Just stay,” he whispers. “Don’t go. Hold me. Please.”

“I’ll hold you as long as you need.”

Another kiss against his head. He breathes out. He barely feels the hand clenched around his heart anymore. 

“I’m not going anywhere, sunshine. I love you so much.”

“I love you.”

And when he does fall asleep again, it’s with his nose buried in Geoff’s neck and his arms wrapped around his waist and Geoff rubbing his back in those small, soft circles.

And they stay quiet.


	8. "you're not alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the result of a shitty night it's just a ton of projection
> 
> trigger warnings - depression, anxiety, and panic attacks

There’s a lump in his throat. 

It’s the size of a golf ball, rounded and sensitive, manifesting itself in the form of fresh tears every time he swallows. It’s a permanent fixture, a reminder of the status quo every time he tries to refocus his mind or distract himself. It’s the friendly reminder that _hey, I’m still here you’re not getting rid of me fuck you for thinking you even could_. It stings and it throbs and he tries, tries so hard to force it away, to ignore it, to forget about it for long enough that it becomes irrelevant.

Someone just ripped all his skin off. He’s laying there, exposed, out for the entire world to see. The spiders are crawling on his bones and making their way through his body, leaving their venom on whatever they touch. It feels like fire, like every drop of poison has combined into one, into a wrecking ball that sits at the base of his chest, the pit of his stomach, swinging back and forth, setting the walls of his chest cavity aflame with every hit. 

The ache behind his eyes is big. It feels like too much, like it’s not possible for one human being, one _body_ to hurt this much. It’s too big for him. It’s opening its mouth and swallowing him whole and he can’t see, he can’t _breathe_ in the midst. It’s one of those intoxicating chambers, trying to see with smoke clouding your vision and move amongst the putrid smells, trying to escape when your senses are paralyzed. He’s swimming and his eyes are burning but the current is pulling and pulling and pulling.

The session was a lot. 

Therapy in the media and therapy in reality are two very different things. He’s grown up with ‘how does that make you feel?’ and ‘why do you think that is?’ before some asshole in a suit slaps a diagnosis down and hands out a prescription for pills. 

The reality is so much different.

Geoff asked him to try, to give it a chance, and he did. For Geoff, for the kind, gentle soul who’s been forced to deal with him being an asshole in the past few months, for Geoff, who’s been victim of harsh words and passive aggressive threats and overall ignorance and hasn’t seemed the slightest bit frustrated, for Geoff, who’s been the angel to his demon, he tried.

He tried and he told the guy everything and maybe that wasn’t the best idea; _first session, here’s my life story and every single problem I have, doc. Now how the fuck do I fix it_? maybe he shouldn’t have come on so strong. 

Maybe he wouldn’t be in this position if he’d realized that sooner. 

Hearing his problems repeated back to him in different words, listening as the guy changed his thought processes from neurodivergent to neurotypical, is like he jumped into his chest and scooped everything out, left him hollow and numb and nothing. 

You don’t realize how fucked up you sound until someone else tells you what you’ve been telling yourself for so long.

This is what Geoff hears on a daily basis, what he deals with and lives with and _dates_. This is the person he chose to date, the person who’s addicted to the avalanche, accustomed to the achromics, a stranger to the ardor. 

He isn’t sure why Geoff’s still here.

And that is enough to deflate the lump, pop it and send out the pocket of tears, send them flooding down his cheeks in steady rivulets. He chokes on the sob as it bubbles up his throat, grits his teeth together and tries to keep it back, and it stays there, building and sparking, until he has no choice but to let it out. 

And it burns. 

His throat stings and his eyes burn and everything starts to blur. The world is going dark at its edges, fading in and out. His chest is so tight. His heart is racing. The walls are getting closer and closer. He can feel them pushing on him why are they pushing on him he’s in a box the box is getting smaller everything’s getting smaller.

He hunches forward, brings his knees up to his chest and curls into himself. He presses his face against the tops of his knees and forces out a breath that leaves him coughing. The pain in his chest feels hollowed out, building but not. He still feels empty. 

He feels empty but the nausea feels full. It’s rising, past the point of being able to keep it down. He’s usually able to swallow it back, push it in, keep his stomach from exploding everywhere, but there are rare occasions when anxiety actually makes him pule, makes him empty for real, snatches away every single shred of control.

He scrambles off the floor and almost trips in his haste to get to the bathroom. His knees sting when he hits the ground. He barely gets the toilet lid up before he’s coughing, choking up mouthfuls of vomit with tears streaming down his cheeks. 

His throat burns. The smell is putrid. He takes a breath and then gags again.

And then there’s a hand on his back and his heart skips a beat. It’s racing, faster than ever, pairing with the shakiness and pool of sweat that’s begun to collect on his forehead and drip down his face. 

Geoff’s touch is warm and the circles he rubs into his back are firm. He closes his eyes and leans back. It hurts – all of it does, and everything feels shaky and confusing and blurry – but he’s so tired and he hurts too much to care. 

“You done?” Geoff asks softly. He swallows, grimacing at the bad taste in his mouth, and gives the slightest nod. “Hang on.”

Geoff’s warmth leaves. The place where his hand was is cold; the lack of his body heat is so noticeable he’s so tired everything is so much it feels thick and heavy he wants to go to sleep he can’t do this. 

“Here love, can you try and drink a bit?” He opens his eyes blearily. Geoff presses a paper cup into his hand and brings an arm up to support his back. “You’re okay. Everything’s okay. Try to breathe.”

He sips at the water and turns his head to meet Geoff’s eyes. “I- um, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I dunno,” he mumbles. There are the tears again. He reaches up to rub at his eyes harshly and bites on his lip. “Everything.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, though.”

“…I am wrong…” He says the words under his breath, so soft Geoff won’t-

“Please tell me you didn’t just say what I think you said.”

 _Dammit_.

“It’s not, I didn’t, um, I just-”

The shaking is getting worse. Everything is coming in flashes, hot then cold then hot again cold hot cold hot cold hot why is he like this why is he such a mess why can’t he have a normal conversation why does every single one feel like he’s two inches tall under every spotlight on the planet whywhywhy. 

“Aws. Hey. Sweetheart, look at me.” Geoff lifts his chin and cups his cheek. “Everything’s okay. We’re gonna take some deep breaths, alright? Together. Watch me.”

Geoff makes a big show of inhaling and exhaling, exaggerating the movements, and he tries to copy. His breaths are small. It feels like there’s a rhino sitting on his chest, bouncing up and down every time he tries to inhale. 

“That’s it. Just like that. You’re doing great, angel. Keep it up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Awsten…” Geoff pulls him onto his lap. He rests his head in the crook of Geoff’s neck and hides his face. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“M’so much work for you,” he whispers, voice muffled by Geoff’s body. “M’not getting better. S’not working.”

“What, therapy?” Geoff pushes him back lightly, grabs his chin again and smiles at him. “Sweetheart, it’s not gonna happen overnight. Getting better takes time. It’s a process. It was a process to get here, with all the bad thoughts, and it’s gonna be a process to get rid of them. It’s okay. You’re doing so well and I’m so proud of you.”

“I just.” He hiccups. The bands around his chest are tightening again. “I don’t want you to get tired of it. Of _me_. I’m so fucked up and I didn’t realize how much until he told me today and I’d get it if you wanted ta leave I’d wanna leave me too I’m nothing special nothing worth staying for I-”

“Awsten-”

“I don’t wanna be alone,” he finishes with a sob. He lets his head flop back against Geoff’s neck just as the tears start to fall. “Please don’t leave me…”

“Breathe,” is all Geoff says, beginning to rub his back again. “You gotta breathe, love. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“No it’s not!” He lifts his head to stare at Geoff.

“Yes, it is.” Geoff reaches in with his thumb and wipes tears from his cheeks. “I promise it is. And y’know why?”

“No.”

“You’re not alone, my love,” Geoff murmurs. He leans in and presses his lips against Awsten’s cheek, right under his eye. “You are _never_ alone. I’m here. Always. I’m never gonna leave you. I know it’s been hard and I know it’s gonna be for a while, but trust me, it’s worth it.”

He shrugs. “It’s not, really-”

“Awsten.” Geoff’s voice is firm, firmer than he’s ever heard before. “You are worth it. Every day I get to spend with you is worth it, even if some of them are bad. You’re the love of my life. That hasn’t changed. It never will. You are worth it, love. I promise. And I know you don’t believe me right now, and that’s what therapy is supposed to help you with. It’s not going to ‘fix’ you. There’s nothing to fix. But I want you to be happy, sweetheart. As happy as you make me. So trust me. You _are_ worth it. And I won’t stop saying it until you believe it, and even after. You deserve to hear it every day for the rest of our lives.”


	9. "just breathe, okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a two-parter. second part will be up soon.

82\. “just breathe, okay?”

There’s a niggling feeling in his gut. 

It’s been there since he woke up this morning, a bug perched at the base of his stomach that’s grown roots, planted seeds and sprouted more plants of _what’s going on what’s going to happen why does it feel like something bad is gonna happen today why why why_. 

It’s one of those where he wakes up and immediately wants to get back in be because the thought of what _could happen_ is weighing down, pressing against his shoulders and digging its claws into his back. It’s growling and snarling at him, a rabid dog barking its existence as much as he tries to unhand its claws from him and run away. It’s always there, curled up into a tight ball that shakes whenever jostled and spits out a new thought, a new idea of what could’ve possibly happened.

It’s a leech attached to him, sucking at his blood, picking and pinching and draining, pulling him from every rational, coherent thought until he’s left with a blurry mess of greys that don’t fit together. They’re all different shades of grey; every thought is a variation and nothing is matching up and all of them are mulling around in his head, trying to find their long lost partner, screaming in frustration when their actions are futile. 

He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to handle this. He tried to write about it, tried to turn today into a sole writing day and sit in the park and turn off his phone and put words to wars and turn battles into beats, but everything is just gogogo something’s wrong something’s gonna happen you’re not safe nothing is safe something’s wrong wrongwrongwrong.

He blinks when he feels a drop of water hit his cheek and looks up. The clouds in the sky are dark. The blend of colors looks like someone split his head open and poured it out over a blank canvas. It’s not going to pour just yet, but more droplets are falling and they’re getting faster and faster.

He pushes off the trunk of the tree and closes his journal. 

His phone lights up as he slips it in his pocket, but he doesn’t pull it out as he begins to run toward the parking lot. It’s probably Geoff, alerting him of the impending storm and asking whether he’s on his way home. 

The first wave of water hits before he’s even out of the parking lot.

…

By the time he reaches their apartment, his hair is plastered to his forehead and trails of purple-laced water are dripping down his face. His jeans are damp and his socks are soaked through. He wrestles his key into the lock and turns it with wet fingers. 

“It’s already hell out there.” He makes his way into the apartment and begins to toe off his shoes and slip out of his drenched clothes. Geoff doesn’t respond. There’s no sign he even _heard_ any of it, but Awsten knows he’s home. His car was in the parking garage and Geoff wouldn’t have gone anywhere knowing that a storm was about to hit. “Geoff? Babe, where are you?” 

That’s when he hears it.

It’s faint, but it’s there.

He hears a choked sob from somewhere inside the apartment, a sound that flips a switch on his heart, turns it from calm to chaos, starts the racing and the shaking and the ice breaking down his back. _Where’s Geoff what’s going on he knew something bad was going to happen today he had a feeling he felt it he knew_. 

His heart is in his throat. Everything in his stomach is coming up with it. He can feel the blood pounding in his ears as he runs into their bedroom, moving so fast he’s sure he’ll puke when everything stops and he has a chance to catch his breath. Sprinting is the only thing holding the tourniquet in place and when it stops, when he stops, the blood is going to go everywhere, manifesting itself in the form of vomit. He’s cold and then hot it feels like he has a fever he knows he doesn’t.

He finds Geoff on the balcony.

He’s white-knuckling the railing and staring down below. His t-shirt and jeans are soaked through, completely sticking to his skin. He’s not looking back; Awsten can’t see his face, but he hears another sob and pitches forward, almost trips over his own feet in his haste.

“Geoff.” He puts one hand on each of Geoff’s cheeks and cups his face, turns him to look at him and feels his heart plummet past its proper region, sink down into the pit of his stomach. 

Geoff’s eyes are red and tears are mixing with the rain as they pour down his cheeks. His lip is quivering and his skin is warm to the touch. 

“What happened?” He demands. He pulls Geoff into his chest, wraps his arms around his back and shoulder blades and squeezes as hard as he possibly can. “Did someone say something to you?”

Geoff mumbles something incoherent against him. His arms come up to wrap around Awsten’s torso equally as hard. Geoff squeezes tighter and tighter, words dissolving into sobs as his knees begin to give out and he starts to crumble.

“Fuck,” he mutters. He shifts his arms so he can hold Geoff up and rub his back. “I gotcha. S’okay, baby. I’m here. Just breathe, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“N-no!” Geoff’s answer is punctuated by another choked cry. “No, it’s not!”

“Whatever it is, we can fix it,” he swears. “I promise.”

Geoff pushes at his chest. “You c-can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Awsten asks. “Tell me what happened. Tell me what’s wrong so I can tell you it’ll be fine.”

“It won’t!” Geoff wails. 

“How do you know that?”

“M-my,” comes the gasp. “My m-mom.”

“Yeah,” Awsten tightens the supporting arm around Geoff’s waist and keeps rubbing his back with the other one. He leans down and presses his lips against Geoff’s soaked hair, closes his eyes against the spray of rain, inhales a shaky breath _it’s gonna be fine everything’s gonna be fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine_. “What about your mom? Did she call or something?”

“She’s dead!”

He stops.

The world seems to turn on its side. 

Everything shifts.

Except them.

The nausea is back.

The dizziness is new.

 _Something bad is gonna happen today_.


	10. "i can't lose you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second part to the last prompt

“i can’t lose you, too.”

The funeral is two weeks later.

It’s what one would imagine any typical funeral to be; a black tie affair, a brief church service followed by close friends and family stepping up to the podium to read speeches and stories, memorialize her in all the glory that she was. Her picture is hanging on either side of the so-called “stage”, with the casket and podium sandwiched between them. 

It’s an old picture, from at least twenty years ago. It’s a natural one. She wasn’t even looking at the camera, no, her focus was on the boy in her arms, grin stretched out over her face. His mouth is open and his eyes are wide, shining with a sort of curiosity and innocence that is only reserved for children.

Geoff must’ve been around six years old in that picture.

They got the news of the cancer six months ago. 

It was fast-spreading, too fast for chemo to treat. Every time they thought they’d gotten all of it, new cells grew and multiplied all over her body like bacteria, until she was basically ridden with cancer and there was nothing they could do for her.

He remembers that day. He remembers listening to the doctor say the words with his eyes on Geoff, watching his face for the immediate reaction. He remembers how hard he squeezed his hand and how close he pressed, wishing love traveled through osmosis and that it would be enough to heal Geoff’s pain. 

It wasn’t. 

He remembers Geoff pulling away, how glaciers grew in his hands and flames traveled down his back as he watched him leave the room without a word. He remembers the choice he had to make, give Geoff space to process what just happened or go out there and try to insert himself as glue in the situation before Geoff completely fell apart.

He remembers finding Geoff pacing, walking back and forth with his gaze on the ground, muttering things to himself. He couldn’t make out any of what he was saying until he got close. 

He remembers hearing “everyone leaves me everyone leaves everyone leaves” and feeling his heart physically break from its suspension in his chest, feeling the piece that belonged to Geoff wrench itself from the whole and slam to the ground like it was on a suicide mission. 

He remembers walking up to Geoff and being told to leave and Geoff yelling at him and cursing at him and ignoring all of it he remembers wrapping his arms around Geoff tighter than he ever has before he remembers when Geoff started to sob, remembers the guttural, choked cries that burst from his throat, how his body started to go limp, having to hold his weight. 

He remembers sinking to the floor in that hospital waiting room, resting his chin on Geoff’s quavering back with his own tears streaming down his cheeks, as he tried to hold something together that had already long fallen apart.

…

“I’m so, so sorry for your loss, honey. Cancer is such a cruel thing, isn’t it? It…”

The woman – one of Geoff’s aunts? A family friend? He’s lost track – starts to drift into an abyss of sad smiles and pity-laced words. Geoff stiffens against him. His grip on his hand feels like iron. Awsten winces. Geoff’s jaw is set and his eyes – as red and bloodshot as they are – are dark. 

People have been coming up to him ever since the service ended for sad speech part two. More expressed condolences and squeezed shoulders, more reminders of everything she was - which he knows in Geoff’s head translates to everything he lost. 

And he’s been really good about it. Awsten isn’t sure how. If it were his mom he’d be in his room, in bed, burrowed deep under the covers with no intention of moving. He wouldn’t see anyone. He wouldn’t talk to anyone. He wouldn’t do anything. But Geoff…Geoff is far stronger than he’ll ever be. Geoff is planning the funeral and calling relatives and breaking the news, once, twice over, trying to handle everything in the way she wanted it to happen. 

Every phone call had another fragment of his heart joining the pile at the bottom of his chest cavity. He sat and watched Geoff’s face as he told people over and over _she didn’t make it. The cancer was too much. She died_. His face lost a little more color and his eyes got darker with every variation of the words. 

He couldn’t do anything. He hasn’t been able to do anything this entire time. There are no words to string together to make this go away. It’s not a dream. He wants it to be. He wants to wake up in a world where cancer doesn’t exist and the beautiful soul that supported their relationship with every ounce of her being will be there to walk Geoff down the aisle. 

He can’t do anything.

He can’t bring her back. 

He can’t make this go away.

He can hug Geoff.

He can be there.

He can promise forever.

He can’t do anything. 

But he can do this. He can stop this. He can make this go away. 

He lifts his head and makes eye contact with the woman – who, somehow, is _still_ rambling. He doesn’t even know what she’s talking about anymore – moves his hand to curl his fingers around Geoff’s torso and pull him closer. “Um, that’s great. But Geoff has to go talk some things over with the priest now. Bye.” He steers Geoff away from her before she has a chance to protest _oh fuck what if she wanted to come with them thank fucking god they got out of that_.

“D’ya wanna hide in the bathroom for a bit?” He ventures. He leans in and kisses Geoff’s cheek. “They won’t find us there.”

Geoff doesn’t answer. He’s staring at something; Awsten follows his gaze to a random spot on the wall and bites his lip. He doesn’t know how to handle this. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s never done this before he doesn’t want to do the wrong thing he doesn’t know what Geoff needs he doesn’t know what to do. 

He lifts a hand to cup Geoff’s chin, forces him to look at him. “What do you need? How can I help? I don’t- I don’t know what m’supposed to do here, Gee…”

“Nothing.” The word is sharp. It sounds harsh, a tone that is so unused by Geoff that the sound shoots an arrow into the pit of his stomach and stays there, firing more and more until the spot of pain is pronounced. 

Geoff pulls his hand from his grip and moves his body away, walks in the direction of the bathroom with loud, heavy footsteps. 

Awsten swallows. None of his friends are gonna be any help right now he doesn’t know what to do he’s never done this before Geoff keeps pushing him away he doesn’t know to help he doesn’t know anything anymore.

Does he chase after Geoff leave him alone give him space hold him until he feels better kick everyone out bring the car around he doesn’t know he doesn’t know he doesn’t know.

He can’t leave Geoff in there by himself. 

He can’t.

He starts in the direction Geoff went, runs a hand through his hair and tries to keep his hands from shaking. He wants to do something Geoff always does something always knows what to do Geoff always knows how to help him why can’t he figure this out the one time Geoff needs him and he can’t just-

He pushes open the bathroom door. He stops.

Geoff is sitting with his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest, head buried in their tops. He’s trembling – furiously, Awsten notices, when he takes a step closer – and choked sobs are immediately audible. His breathing sounds ragged, rapid, shaky, and unsteady. 

The rest of his heart is on a suicide mission tonight.

He swallows again. There’s a lump in his throat. It throbs. He ignores it. He drops to his knees beside Geoff and presses a hand against his shoulder. Geoff flinches and keeps crying. His sobs only seem to get louder. “Shit. Gee, you gotta breathe, okay? Everything’s gonna be okay, I promise. Just try to breathe.” 

How does Geoff do this he doesn’t even know what he’s saying this is Geoff’s territory he doesn’t know what to do he doesn’t know how to do this he doesn’t-

“I c-can’t.”

“Yes you can,” he says. He shoves his hand between Geoff’s back and the wall and nudges him up slightly, just enough that he’s able to rub Geoff’s back. “Deep breaths.” He takes one himself, inhales and holds it for a few seconds, and then exaggerates the motion of shrinking his lungs back down. “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

“It’s not!”

He sighs. “I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but I promise it will. It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

“E-everyone le-leaves me,” Geoff hiccups. He finally lifts his head. Awsten bites his lip. The lump in his throat pulsates, sending an new wave of pain throughout his body. His heart, the pile of debris it’s now become, feels like it sparks once again, hurts all over, stings against his chest. He would rather hurt forever than see Geoff like this for another second. “A-And I-” He pauses to let a sob slip. “I c-can’t. I c-can’t lose you too p-please don’t le-leave…”

He feels like someone just poured a bucket of cold water all over his body. The feeling is traveling down. Everything feels like ice. His heart seems frozen in place, not beating. He tries to respond, but the air won’t come out. He can’t form words. 

Geoff thinks he’ll- _no_.

He surges forward and pulls Geoff into his arms, into one of the tightest embraces they’ve been in, buries his nose in Geoff’s hair and closes his eyes.

On any other day he’d call bullshit. He’d look Geoff in the eye and ask where the hell he got that idea, ask if he’s joking, because something that ridiculous cannot possibly be real.

But today is different.

Today is eulogies and tears and caskets lowered into the ground, today is black clothes and sniffling and _loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend_. Today is the day everything Geoff’s ever known and loved and thought _familiar, comforting_ , is gone. It’s gone and it’s never coming back and there is nothing he can do about it. 

Today is different. 

“I’m yours,” he says firmly. He presses a kiss to Geoff’s hair and pushes him back slightly, so he can meet his eyes. “Okay? I’m yours. You have my heart, Geoff, and I’m never getting it back. I never _want_ it back. I want you, for the rest of my life. When we’re up in front of a ton of people saying it to each other and on the days you hate me because I’m a stubborn asshole. I will _always_ want you. You’re the love of my life. You’re my everything.” He leans in to thumb a tear off Geoff’s cheek. “I’m yours. For the rest of my life and after. I’m gonna be here through everything, Geoff, because I _want_ to be. I love you, with everything I have. You’re not gonna lose me. I’m not gonna leave you. Okay?”

“O-okay.”


	11. "nothing is wrong with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this needs some background
> 
> so one of my best friends had this dream and explained it to me and then practically begged me to write it and it came out the best mix of happysad but like. it's one hundred percent everything that happened in her dream lmao so if it's slightly unrealistic or something that's why

The accident was six months ago.

He still remembers it like it was yesterday, remembers the flashing lights and crunching metal and the smell of _holy shit is that blood what the fuck just happened where’s Awsten is he okay why isn’t he saying anything_.

It was the worst day of his life.

He woke up to white walls and sterile tape and a smell so bad it bottled itself up and flew into his nostrils and put down a flag right behind his eyes, set up roots and began infiltrating his entire body with the ache. It multiplied like bacteria, colonies growing and spreading out until every part of him was infected, unable to run, unable to hide, unable to do _anything_ because it was inside him and it was growing and he would never escape. 

He remembers getting the news and just stopping. Someone had taken a sledgehammer to his body and hit right at his heart, one hit that had everything crashing down, like in those cartoons, it’s fine until someone says those words or does that thing and then it’s cracking and breaking and disintegrating into a pile of rubble, never to be rebuilt.

He lost a part of himself that day.

It hasn’t come back.

He feels like his heart is made up of several pieces. A different part hurts or bleeds or pulsates when something happens. They’re all various shapes and sizes but somehow manage to make his heart whole. Each person in his life owns a piece; each person adds a necessary part to keeping him whole. They fit together and when the tiniest bit of one is missing he notices it, feels it, acknowledges it, like someone ripped his entire heart out of his chest.

Awsten’s is the biggest one. 

He remembers how bad it hurt, like someone had put a bullet through his stomach and the hole was expanding, taking, pulling, ripping, until all he could do was collapse to the floor in a flood of sobs and thank god they weren’t waking Awsten up yet so he’d have time to pull himself together. 

He remembers crawling into bed beside Awsten’s limp body, taking him into his arms as best he could amongst all the wires and tubes, feeling his heart detach from its position in his chest and sink down to the pit of his stomach where the nausea was housed, as he reached down to move Awsten’s legs and entire bottom half onto their side as well. He remembers biting his lip and trying to look away, feeling the pain explode behind his face and splatter against his skull at the realization.

Awsten would never be able to do that on his own again.

He remembers when they reversed the coma, feeling Awsten come back to life in his arms, feeling only the top half of his body squirming, feeling his eyes start to burn and his head start to ache and biting a hole in his lip because _you will not cry in front of him do you fucking hear me you will not cry_.

And he didn’t cry. 

But Awsten did.

Choked, guttural cries that were like arrows shot straight through his heart. He felt them going in and out, felt each subsequent hole they made in his chest, one after another, piercing a new spot each time until the piece of his heart belonging to Awsten was dangling from the rest of the muscle by a single thread.

Awsten cried, ruined multiple of his shirts and didn’t lift his head for a very long time. And he bit his lip and rubbed Awsten’s back and tried to think of what to say there was nothing he could say there was no way to make it better there was no silver lining to trading in legs for wheels, independence for dependence, the world as he knew it to one that didn’t fit him anymore. 

He’s heard about it in movies and TV shows, how people can literally _shut down_ , but he always thought it was exaggerated, overplayed for the drama, because how is it possible for a human being to actually _shut down_ like that’s not a real thing that can’t possibly-

And then he watched the brightest, bubbliest, loudest person he’s ever known draw the shades and close every curtain, turn from prismatic to achromic, all in a matter of days. The old Awsten was gone and the replacement was someone he couldn’t have recognized if they personally came up and hit him in the head. 

The hospital told them about heightened mental health issues and the commonality of depression with this type of injury. They told them about seeking out therapy and possibly taking medication and being aware of what was going on before it got too bad. 

They didn’t tell them about the days upon days of silence, the countless nights spent falling asleep to the soundtrack of Awsten’s sobs, the arguments over transferring and accidentally making Awsten piss himself because he couldn’t get him to the bathroom in time, Awsten’s attempts to turn in his chair and subsequent crashes into every piece of furniture in their apartment, coming home to find him trying to lift himself onto the countertop and struggling to make his legs go in the proper direction, walking in on him trying to dress himself with frustrated tears running down his cheeks as he lifted each leg into the pair of pants and struggled to wiggle them up his ass. 

They didn’t tell him how unwilling Awsten would be to talk about it, how many slammed doors and outbursts of anger there would be. They didn’t tell him about the nights he would pull Awsten as close as he could and try to get him to talk, get him to say something, and all he would get in response was stony silence, how he would eventually give up and act like he’d gone to sleep and unknowingly agree to be witness to Awsten’s confession about how everyone would eventually leave, how _he_ would eventually leave, how he’d end up alone.

_Who would want someone who has to spend the rest of their life in a wheelchair?_

He remembers when Awsten’s piece of his heart broke in two. 

…

“I really don’t think this is a good idea…”

He swallows, feels the saliva travel down his throat and settle in a layer on top of his stomach. Looking down at his lap, he winds his fingers together and begins to slowly pull them apart, bringing his lip in with his teeth.

“Love, hey, look at me.” Geoff lifts his chin and bends down onto his knees. “It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine. It’s Jawn’s birthday. Don’t you wanna have some fun?”

“Invalids don’t have fun.”

“Awsten.” Geoff’s voice seems to harden. “You are _not_ an invalid.” He grabs both of his hands and squeezes. “Please sweetheart, I hate when you talk about yourself like that. You’re doing so well, you deserve to be proud of that. Of _yourself_. I’m so proud of you.”

He inhales. The breath catches in his throat and he stifles a cough. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Geoff cranes his neck to kiss him. Awsten smiles and wraps his arms around Geoff’s neck and Geoff moves – still not breaking the kiss – to sit on his lap. One of Geoff’s arms snakes behind his back and stays there even when they pull back. He presses his forehead against Geoff’s and breathes out again. “Tell me what you’re thinking, love.”

“I-” His breath hitches. “I don’t wanna make a fool outta myself. Don’t- don’t want the looks if I can’t do it. S’gonna ruin Jawn’s day. I just- I just wanna be normal, Gee. Like everybody else.”

“Oh sunshine, you are.” Geoff brings his other arm around and squeezes him tightly. “You _are_ just like everyone else. Nothing is wrong with you, okay? No one’s going to laugh at you or get mad at you or anything. We all just love you, Aws, and we want you to have fun today. You deserve to have fun today. Jawn’s your best friend and today’s his birthday and that’s all he wants.”

“I got him a gift…”

“The best gift you can give him is having a good fuckin’ time today, okay?” He feels the kiss against the top of his head. “Just try. That’s all we’re asking.”

…

Geoff knows Awsten is nervous. 

His hands are shaking and slipping off his wheels as he tries to turn them. His eyes are shiny and his cheeks are pink, face flushed from – is that embarrassment? Shame? Discomfort? It’s not the kind of pink Awsten turns when he kisses him, all blushy and grinning. It’s not a light, sparkly pink. It’s a dull and red bordering, Pepto Bismol-esque, fearful, discomforting pink. 

His gaze travels from the top of the bouncy slide to its exit. Geoff watches it. He can practically see the wheels turning in Awsten’s head, the _should I should I not I don’t want to make a fool out of myself I don’t want to fuck up I don’t want to be embarrassed_. It’s what plays on loop every time he’s out in public, the fears and insecurities he’s spent so many nights crying over, the confession he made one day, said one word and unleashed an avalanche, burst into tears and eventually told Geoff how bad things really were. 

And he got him into therapy and researched every possible way to reassure him and lift his spirits, and for the most part, things are better. The Awsten right after the accident was petrified to leave the house in fear of what _could_ happen. He didn’t take any risks or do anything; he locked himself in his room and stared at the wall and punched at his useless legs in hope it would kick start them back into life.

This Awsten is different. He smiles more. He’s been wearing color again. He’s still nervous and very unsure, covered up by tight smiles and white-knuckles on his chair, but he’s leaving the house and going places on his own and accepting the fact that this is permanent and _taking his life back_. 

He’s come so far in such a short amount of time, made so much progress, conquered so many obstacles, broke so many barriers…

Went from wishing he’d died in that accident to working out new ways to live with it.

“Geoff?” He shakes his head to clear it and glances over at Awsten. He’s fiddling with his hands again, a small, shy smile on his face. “I…I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Did you guys hear that?”

“He’s gonna do it!”

“Go Aws!”

The pink on Awsten’s cheeks deepens. He begins to wheel himself over to the slide and Geoff rushes to follow, slips his phone in his back pocket and brushes his hands together. 

“I’ll help you up, okay? And then I’ll get down and come around with your chair.” Awsten nods. His hands are still shaking and his eyes look wild, pupils slightly dilated. Geoff leans in and kisses his cheek. “You’re gonna be fine. You can do this. I believe in you.”

“I can do this,” Awsten repeats softly. “’Kay…”

He slips one arm underneath the crook of Awsten’s knees and pushes the other one behind his back. Jawn moves behind them and grips the handles of the chair, and in one fluid motion, he lifts Awsten into his arms and Jawn pulls the chair back. 

He carries Awsten over to the slide and proceeds up the stairs to the top, where there’s room for both of them to sit. Awsten’s legs go first, and then he slips out from under his body and scoots in beside him, takes his hand and brings it to his lips. “You can do this. You are so strong and so brave and I believe in you, okay? Everyone down there does too. We love you so much, sunshine. We’re so proud of you.”

Awsten is silent for a few moments. He squeezes Geoff’s hand and turns up to him, rubs at his eyes with his free hand and swallows visibly. “I’m ready.”

Geoff pulls his lip in with his teeth and watches as Awsten pushes off, watches him slide all the way to the bottom and let out a loud cry. It sounds light and airy, full of the mirth he’s been missing for so long. There’s liquid collecting in his eyes and his vision is blurry because this is all he’s wanted for so long holy fuck-

He jumps down from the slide and grabs Awsten’s wheelchair and makes his way to the other side of the slide, just in time to hear Awsten speak. 

“I just went down a bouncy slide by myself for the first time since the accident.”

The words are almost like an admission to himself. He sounds in awe of himself, like he hasn’t quite grasped what he’s just done. And it’s those words that bring a flurry of footsteps and gather a huge crowd around the bouncy slide.

Awsten’s sitting on the edge with everyone – Jawn, Daphne, Zakk, Travis, Andrew, Grace, Otto, Gracie – standing around him. Everyone’s smiling but Geoff can’t take his eyes off the grin on Awsten’s face, stretched so wide it looks like it hurts. His eyes are shining. His cheeks are pink, that beautiful shade of rose, glowing in the warm summer light. 

“You did it, Aws.” 

“You were amazing!”

“It’s justa slide.” Awsten ducks his head slightly. “S’not a big deal.”

“It absolutely is a big deal you fucker.” Jawn breaks out of the crowd and kneels down in front of the slide to pull Awsten into a hug. Geoff can’t hear what he says to him, but the smile on Awsten’s face grows, if even possible. He’s never seen someone smile this much.

Travis says something and Otto rolls his eyes and reaches over to shove his shoulder and everyone starts to laugh, but again, all Geoff can focus on is the musical laughter leaving Awsten’s lips, the light shining from his eyes, the flushed cheeks and warmth emanating from his form. Jawn picks him up and twirls him around and he giggles, hangs onto Jawn’s shoulder and closes his eyes, lets himself fly in the wind.

The past six months have been the hardest of his life, and today…

Today he just went down a bouncy slide for the first time since the accident.

Tears are streaming down Geoff’s cheeks as he watches Awsten laugh, watches him grin and reach out for Travis, challenge him to do what Jawn just did. 

Paralysis used to be the end.

This feels like a new beginning.


	12. "can't you stay a little longer?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is...new. i've never written a poly relationship before, so this was fun to explore. i hope i've portrayed it accurately (if not, let me know!). if yall like this and wanna see more in this verse, tell me that too! i loved writing this. i've been really into awsten and jawn's friendship/relationship lately lmao

96\. “can’t you stay a little longer?”

It’s warm.

He’s half sitting up, half lying down, propped up on his elbows with his shoulders and upper back resting against Awsten’s stomach. It’s not the best position, really, because Geoff is stretched out behind Awsten, kissing all over his face and the back of his neck, and Awsten giggles every time, that laughter that sounds like wind gently rustling wind chimes. Every time he laughs his tummy vibrates and his knees curl up slightly. 

He’s been hit in the head almost five times in the past two minutes.

It doesn’t bother him too much. The laughter spilling from Awsten’s lips is a rare bird. The times it pokes its head up are few and far between, so when it _does_ happen, it’s in trickles of light peaking through the darkness, flowers just barely starting to sprout, a sliver of sunshine that needs to be guided and nurtured all the way up before it’s gone forever.

And he does. He smiles when Awsten does, feels the sting in his cheeks from how hard he is. It’s a wave of warmth that drapes over him like a blanket, the kind you can snuggle up and into after a long day and just close your eyes. 

He knows what it took to get here. 

He knows the late nights and 3 am phone calls and red eyes and fists slammed into walls, feeling like someone had torn his chest open like they were ripping a piece of paper, tearing it straight down the middle, the pieces falling to the bottom of his chest cavity and growing roots, sending the pain everywhere. It grew tendrils and stretched out to every crevice of his body until he was swimming and drowning and choking on mouthfuls of water because Awsten wasn’t okay and he wasn’t okay and the world wasn’t okay nothing was okay everything was terrible why was it so terrible when would it stop he needed it to stop he needed to be okay again he needed _Awsten_ to be okay again.

It feels like he is.

He watches him and Geoff together, sees how Geoff handles Awsten, the soft touches and lips against his ear and arms finding their home around his waist. He sees how gentle Geoff becomes, how patient and affectionate and _loving_ he is, the smile that lights up his face and never seems to go away at the mere _sight_ of Awsten. Awsten’s existence makes Geoff smile.

He was nervous, at first. When Awsten called him at 3:52am that night, he was expecting more tears. More sobs and choked out words, more reasons he was going to have to convince him life was worth living and he’d eventually feel that without needing to be told. He was expecting the ache behind his eyes and the burn in his chest; he was expecting to have to be the person he always was, the person Awsten took comfort in.

And then he wasn’t.

Awsten’s voice sounded like what he imagines listening to the sun would. He’s never heard him as happy as he was that night, tripping over himself to try and get all the words out, talking so fast he slurred half of them, stumbling and mumbling around to put into words how _okay_ felt.

And he remembers feeling a sort of sinking feeling as his heart descended lower and lower into his chest. He remembers the ache that shouldn’t have been there, the sting that shouldn’t have existed, the burn of a pain he knew didn’t belong.

Awsten was happy and he should’ve been happy for him. 

Awsten is happy and he should be happy for him. He knows that. He _knows_. 

But the pain in his chest is millions of tiny pinpricks that all mold together to create the ache. And it happens every time he sees them together, every time Awsten calls him to no, not talk about how much he wants to kill himself or how bad everything is going for him, but instead _Geoff took me here and we did this and he said all these things that are gonna make you wanna put your head through a wall and I’m really fucking happy so hear all about it even if you feel like crying by the end_. 

He’s trying so hard. He’s trying to smile and laugh and _let_ , trying to keep the fake smile on his face and force out the laughs and keep his body against Awsten’s, stay free and relaxed and _okay_ , because Awsten’s okay everything’s okay it’s supposed to be okay why isn’t it okay why isn’t _he_ okay.

He wanted to be the one that makes sunshine ooze out of Awsten’s pores, bathes him in the light that has his cheeks glowing pink and his lips bubbling with laughter. He wanted to be the one Awsten couldn’t stop smiling when he talked about. 

He thought that was where they were going. 

But then Geoff comes in with the words spilling from his lips like rain; the cool kind, the one you turn your face toward, close your eyes and let time stop, feel the drops hit your face and roll down your neck, allow them to absorb into your skin, know this moment will last forever in your memory.

He didn’t really see Geoff, until Awsten started dating him. He knew he was there and even considered them friends, but watching him with Awsten, watching his behavior shift and the smile on his face change, watching the obvious differences in Geoff as a person and Geoff as a _lover_ …it feels like seeing him for the first time all over again.

He’s hugged Geoff so many times. It is warm, but a different kind of warm than what he’s feeling right now. Geoff feels like a teddy bear, an armchair you can relax into at the end of a long day, arms wrapping around you and squeezing so tight, lips against cartilage as he whispers into your ear.

He imagines it a lot.

For a while after Geoff and Awsten dating, he worried. He hates admitting it but dealing with Awsten is fighting a new kind of monster, a battle no amount of preparation will enough for, a war that lasts long and stays bloody until the very end. Awsten needs a lot. A lot of love, a love of comfort, a lot of reassurance; depression is a bitch and his is particularly severe _I love you, I’m always here, I will never leave you_ has become a mantra he memorized in middle school when Awsten first got diagnosed. 

What if Geoff couldn’t handle it what if he got tired of it what if he broke Awsten’s heart what if they broke up.

He didn’t think he could find it in his heart to hate Geoff. He knew he’d have to if something went wrong with him and Awsten. That fact is still at he back of his mind whenever he’s around them, nibbling and gnawing on his nerves, a friendly reminder of the potential this ticking time bomb is. 

Geoff feels like a dream. He doesn’t seem real. No real human being would be so patient, sit through depressive episodes and not bat an eye when Awsten screams bloody murder at him and comfort him through every panic attack like it’s the first one and touch, hold, keep Awsten close and let him hang and cling and feed off the warmth. Geoff doesn’t feel real. No person can be that patient, that kind, that _perfect_.

He doesn’t describe much with it.

But Geoff is, perfect.

And he, is not.

Because these are his best friends and they’re in love with each other but he can’t pull his head out of feeling the arms around him and creating the sunshine he wants it he wants them he wants to feel the warmth and create the sunshine he doesn’t want to ruin anything he wants to feel the warmth and create the sunshine he wants to feel the warmth and create the sunshine he wants to feel the warmth and create the sunshine.

He swallows against the newly-formed lump in his throat and pushes against the mattress. It feels like he’s pushing into a thickness of all these thoughts, feeling the ache seep into his bones as he tries to move past it. “I’m, um. I’m gonna head out.”

He gets to his feet and reaches for his phone, off their nightstand, slips it into his pocket and starts for the door without looking back. 

He can’t look.

He can’t see them.

He can’t do this.

“Jawn, wait!”

He stops. Pulling his lip in with his teeth, he turns around. Awsten is sitting up against Geoff now, with Geoff’s arms – of course – wrapped around him. His hair is tousled. His eyes are shining. He’s smiling.

He tastes copper.

“Can’t you stay a little longer?” Awsten asks. His voice is so soft. “Please?”

“Aws, I…” He trails off, wills his voice not to break. This is not the time please not right now pleaseplease _please_. “Sure.”

Why is he like this why can’t he just tell the truth why can’t he stand up for himself why does Awsten make him forget everything why does the rest of the world fade away why does looking into Geoff’s eyes make him feel like his legs won’t hold him up why is this happening _they’re dating you’re nowhere stop it stop it stop it_.

He moves back over to the bed and crawls onto it gingerly, keeps his distance from Awsten and Geoff’s intertwined bodies. He can’t do this it hurts it’s too much he can’t keep doing this he won’t last much longer.

“Come _here_ , idiot.” Awsten snakes an arm around his waist and pulls him in _nonono stop I can’t do this it’s too much you’re too much stop it stop making it worse stop making me love you I can’t love you stop_. “Geoff and I wanted ta talk to you about something.”

A warm hand slips into his own. Geoff squeezes his fingers and tangles them together, smiles one of those bright, cheek-hurting smiles. He swallows. 

_What’s going on what is this what’s happening do they know please don’t say they know I can’t deal with this please don’t let them know pleasepleaseplease_.

“W-What?”

“Aws and I’ve been talking a lot for the past few weeks,” Geoff says. He feels him start to rub his thumb against his palm. “About us, the future, all that shit.”

“About you,” Awsten continues. “We talked a lot about you.”

“When we got together.” He hears Geoff place a kiss on Awsten’s face. “We were talking one night, and somehow, Awsten brought up the idea of dating someone else.”

He freezes. “I-I- w- _what_?”

“Not like breaking up!” Awsten says quickly. “And dude, thanks for makin’ me sound like a fuckin’ weirdo, really appreciate it.”

“Are you telling him or am I?”

“Me,” Awsten insists. “You suck at it.”

“I do not-”

“ _Anyway_ , what I meant by that,” Awsten’s voice gets soft again. “Is I wanted to know if Geoff would be okay with dating two people. At the same time.”

“Like, polyamory?” What the fuck is going on what is this what’s happening.

“Yeah.” Awsten ducks his head slightly. His cheeks are starting to get pinker. “I…I’ve been okay with that stuff for a while and I wanted ta know if he was, ‘cause if I found the right guy, I wanted ta do it. But I love Geoff.”

“We talked about it for a couple months, actually,” Geoff says. “I’d never really thought about it before. I didn’t just wanna say yes ‘cause he wanted it. I wanted to feel it. And eventually…I did.”

“Feel what?”

“Like I’d be okay with dating someone else,” Geoff answers. “Sharing _Awsten_ with someone else. Being in a relationship with two people, I guess? It never seemed weird or anything; I’ve seen other people do it, but I’d just never thought about me doing it.”

“To make this long ass story real fuckin’ short,” Awsten mutters. “Geoff said he’d be willing to date someone else with me, _if_ the right guy came along.”

“And for a while, no one did,” Geoff says. “No one we both wanted, that is.”

“Until now.” He can practically hear the smile in Awsten’s voice. He’s glowing. “Jawn, I…we’ve been talking about this for the past few weeks, it’s like, all we could talk about, and so we wanted ta ask…”

“Do you wanna do this? Like, with us? Date both of us?”

He turns around to look at both of them. They’re both smiling. He recognizes the smiles. The warm, gorgeous, sunshine smiles. He knows the smiles. He’s _wished_ for the smiles. He’s wished for this he’s wished for all of it he’s wanted it for so long what the fuck is this how did this happen is this real he feels like he’s dreaming does he really get to feel the warmth and create the sunshine could this actually happen what the fuck-

He looks down at Geoff’s and his joined hands and moves closer into the arm Awsten has around him. He swallows again. “I…I’d really like that.”

…

And later, when they’re all lying in bed tangled together, when his head is against Geoff’s chest and Awsten is curled up in his with his head on his shoulder, when he’s lost in a pile of limbs and doesn’t know where one of them starts and the others end, when everything feels soft and warm and he’s seeing the world through a filter of sunshine- 

“I knew I shoulda been the one ta ask him.”

“What was wrong with the way I did?”

“You were just so.”

“So _what_?”

He smiles.


End file.
